Film: Beautiful Girls
Screenplay: Scott Rosenberg
Role: Gina Barrisano
Actor: Rosie O’Donnell
Length: approx. 2 minutes 30 seconds minimum
Hey, you’re both f–kin’ insane. You wanna know what your problem is? MTV, Playboy, and Madison f–king Avenue. Yes. Let me explain something to you, OK? Girls with big tits have big asses, girls with little tits have little asses. That’s the way it goes. God doesn’t f**k around, he’s a fair guy. He gave the fatties big, beautiful tits and the skinnies little, tiny niddlers. It’s not my rule. If you don’t like it, call him.
– Hey, Mitch. Thank you – Oh, guys, look what we have here. (She picked up and looked at a Penthouse Magazine) Look at this, your favourite. Oh, you like that?
I can go along with that.
…Yeah, that’s nice, right? Well, it doesn’t exist, OK. Look at the hair. The hair is long, it’s flowing, it’s like a river. Well, it’s a f–kin’ weave, OK? And the tits, please! I could hang my overcoat on them. Tits, by design, were invented to be suckled by babies. Yes, they’re purely functional. These are silicon city. And look, my favourite, the shaved pubis. Pubic hair being so unruly and all. Very key. This is a mockery, this is a sham, this is bulls**t. Implants, collagen, plastic, capped teeth, the fat sucked out, the hair extended, the nose fixed, the bush shaved… These are not real women, all right? They’re beauty freaks. And they make all us normal women with our wrinkles, our puckered boobs – Hi Bob – our cellulite, feel somehow inadequate. Well, I don’t buy it, all right? But you f–kin’ mooks, you think if there’s a chance in hell that you’ll end up with one of these women, you don’t give us real women anything approaching a commitment. It’s pathetic. I don’t know what you think you’re gonna do. You’re gonna end up eighty-years old, drooling in some nursing home, then you’re gonna decide, it’s time to settle down, get married, have kids? What, are you gonna find a cheerleader?… – Charge it Mitch –
I think you’re oversimplifying.
Oh eat me. Look at Paul. With his models on the wall, his dog named Elle McPherson. He’s insane. He’s obsessed. You’re all obsessed. If you had an ounce of self-esteem, of self-worth, of self-confidence, you would realize that as trite as it may sound, beauty is truly skin-deep. And you know what, if you ever did hook one of those girls, I guarantee you’d be sick of her…
Yeah, I spose I’d get sick ‘o her in a about, what? 20 or 30 years.
Get over yourself – Thank you Mitch, say hello to Gertrude – No matter how perfect the nipple, how supple the thigh, unless there’s some other s**t going on in the relationship besides the physical, it’s gonna get old, OK? And you guys, as a gender, have got to get a grip. Otherwise, the future of the human race is in jeopardy.